My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Woke up against my better judgment again
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.