Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet