I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
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GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.