Found the job I’m suited for
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I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.