It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
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Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting