6: are snakes just neck?
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Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.