[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
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“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Happy thanksgiving!
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans