I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
You Might Also Like
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
dads on road-trips be like
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting