Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
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doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear