Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
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Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal