Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
You are what you delete.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.