My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
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*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
this isn’t threatening at all
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”