Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I drew y’all a little something.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”