Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
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[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook