“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
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Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.