Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
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(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.