Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
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I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’