Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
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*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Meow
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…