Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
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accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Y’all know who you are.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain