[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
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Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.