Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
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Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
October already? What’s next? November????
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me :
All Day At Night
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you