Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”