I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.