When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
hear me out : pockets for your socks
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Breaking news:
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please