Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
You Might Also Like
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
#titanic
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard