me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!