You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Monday Lisa
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?