Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog