Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
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The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that