Friday
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“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?