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Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
That’s not how days work.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit