Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
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[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If you are reading this then you are reading this