mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.