When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
You Might Also Like
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I want to meet the individual who made this
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY