Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
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Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!