“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
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ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.