I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
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[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough