ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
You Might Also Like
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
This kid will have a bright future.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered