*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
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After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*