Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
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Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
subtitles are so good nowadays
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.