Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
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Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank