There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
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Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
The answer is funnier than the question
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.