SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
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Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
is it earth
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”