CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
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One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Seas the day!!!!
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what