Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
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When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Mountain Goat : )
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.