ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
reduce, reuse, recycle
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything