I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
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My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere