There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
WHY would you be happy about this?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.