[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
my sentiments exactly
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
🙋♀️
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!