Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me